Naivety and Ignorance.

It has become harder and harder to deal with the pressure of the work to the point that I broke and had to take a few days off to just do nothing...absolutely nothing. I was scared to stop giving and volunteering, somehow thinking the patients I worked with needed me to the point that they wouldn't live without me. That somehow, I was a necessity to their well-being. And yet after returning to work, the patients were still there alive and kicking (sans a few perhaps). Despite the fact these patents were alive and well before my time here, I somehow thought I would make their lives immeasurably better. How ignorant of me... Sure, I could give a little love - but if I wasn't there surely other volunteers would have been. There are numerous year around, especially at this time of year given it is summer holiday for so many students.

As soon as I finally got this notion through my thick skull - that I was easily replaceable, that I was not some unique, one-of-a-kind being - an overwhelming humility came over me, almost to the point of feeling utterly insignificant. Such naivety I had to think I was somehow so integral to the good deeds accomplished here. Such naivety I had to think I would be saving the world my coming here...I can't even save one life. In the end, volunteering here often comes down to simply washing dishes, shaving a face, or helping to feed someone. Something that many are able and willing to do.

Before coming here, I thought serving in Calcutta would be the pinnacle of helping humanity and serving others. True, some of the most destitute and impoverished people on the planet live here, but that's not to say this is the almighty of serving. My time here as taught me that it doesn't matter where you are or how you do it, simply the selflessly serving of others - the pure act of this servitude - is what is most important in life (to me). There are so many people in my own country I can help and serve, and staying "home" to help others instead of coming half way around the world to do it in no way diminishes the act. In fact, it perhaps diminishes the act of coming here in the first place. The $1,400 I spent on a flight here could have accomplished infinitely more good had a just sent an organization like "Calcutta Rescue" a check, instead of coming here to serve.

Then again, maybe not. Maybe the act of being here truly is vastly important because now I have seen the worst of the worst with my own eyes and I have experienced it. I have a story to tell and motivation to continue benevolent acts. Had I just wrote a check, perhaps that would have been it...said and done...no more charitable acts and I would have gone on my way. But by coming here and experiencing this, I will never be able to forget the things I've seen and certainly the future good acts that will come from this experience will save more lives than what an original $1,400 could have done. At least, if I tell myself this, I can sleep at night...

CM